If you could see me now, would you pat me on my back or would you criticise me?
It has been almost 18 years since she died. I don’t even remember her; not her face, not her hair, not anything about her at all. But I’ve seen pictures, so many of them. She was beautiful. I’ve also heard people talk about her all the time, about how kind she was, how caring and selfless and how she loved with all her heart. She had a way with people, a way to make them love her.
Many times I’ve heard the words “you can’t miss something you never had”, well I’m here to tell you, that is completely untrue. I never had her, never got the chance. She was gone before I could even learn her name. But I miss her still. God, I miss her so much. I miss her to the point that it causes physical pain, even though I never had her.
Sometimes, I meet those lucky people who had the pleasure of knowing her. Sometimes they tell me that I remind them of her. But if all the things they say about her are true, I wonder if they mean it.
I wonder, if she knew me, what would she say? Would she tell me I’m doing alright, that I’ll make it, that everything will work out? Would she hug me and wipe my tears? Or would she be disappointed? Would she look down and call me out on my faults? If only I knew.
Yet, I try. I try everyday so that she’s up there with God, saying “that’s my kid.”